Stephen says I'm always answering "Busy" when he asks how I am. And it's true. I am! But busy is not why I have not yet written any more of dad's "eulogy." I am hyper-emotional right now and I just can't put myself through writing more about Dad for now.
I am probably going to have a hysterectomy this year. I know I have said my uterus was closed for business anyway, but in the back of my brain I knew I could change my mind - even though I knew that would be a very bad idea. But now that option has pretty much been taken away - there will not be one last sweet babe. It's OK, EVERYTHING in the universe has been telling me for a while that there will be no more sweet babes. I thought I was cool with it. But there's been quite a rash of people having babies all around me, and all of a sudden I got baby fever. But my fibroid is basically the size of a newborn baby's head - it's much larger than my uterus. It could cause placental implantation problems, and of course placental abruption is what almost killed me and Paul. I could have the fibroid removed and just know that a c-section would be the only option, which isn't anything awful, but then we come back to the point that I am already functioning on the edge of my capacity and really, honestly should not have another child because I can barely keep the two I have safe, clean, dressed and fed, and with minimal emotional damage inflicted. I feel like I've come out of the fog in the last two years and I don't want to go back in there.
I wish I was different. I wish I wasn't plagued with whatever mental affliction it is that I have. I wish I wasn't so insular and stubborn and had given in years ago and gone on prozac like so many people I know. But that's the past and dwelling on it is pointless. My life is awesome, I'm healthy, I have a wonderful partner, my kids are healthy and smart and sweet (even Eli has his moments of delightfulness!), I have a roof over my head and I never, ever worry about where our next meal will come from. I keep growing and progressing as a person. Really, my life is SWEEEET.
What's also playing into this anguish is that 5+ months of job insecurity is really fraying my nerves. I just saw a 3/1 house for rent up in Trabuco Canyon on an acre with a barn, for only $100 more a month than what we're paying here. But Dan will not even consider it because of his job situation. Some friends of ours are moving and the rent on their house is cheaper than we're paying here, and it's right across the street from the school, but we can't consider it because of the job situation.
I will honestly be OK no matter what. I just want to KNOW. Dan promised that he would start sending out resumes this month, but he wants to gamble that he'll get the stock that will vest fully on the date of the sale - but we don't know when that will be. I keep telling him he has a better chance at getting another job while he still has a job, but still he's resisting. He told me this morning that he'll start next week. I think I'll nag him to start this weekend - after all, nobody will be in the offices until Monday.
I'm trying to be ready for the worst - "Expect the best, be prepared for the worst," right? I have piles and piles of stuff in the garage for a yard sale. I've been putting up craigslist ads right and left. I want stuff gone NOW. I'm saving the good stuff, just in case, but if the worst happens I'll have another sale. If Dan is laid off, I will tolerate one month of unemployment before I start preparing for us to go vagabond. I will not drain our savings to pay rent and utilities while Dan hunts for a job in a 20% unemployment market (remember, the official numbers are just the people on the unemployment rolls - the actual number is higher).
And Amos seems to have gone missing. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. He's not answering my messages. If I can't reach him soon, I'll track down his son in Mississippi. I'm hoping that Amos already went back and is just embarrassed that he didn't say goodbye or give me his things to sell like he said he would. I hope nothing bad happened.