Friday, February 05, 2010

I'm not procrastinating, I just don't want to do it.

Stephen says I'm always answering "Busy" when he asks how I am. And it's true. I am! But busy is not why I have not yet written any more of dad's "eulogy." I am hyper-emotional right now and I just can't put myself through writing more about Dad for now.

I am probably going to have a hysterectomy this year. I know I have said my uterus was closed for business anyway, but in the back of my brain I knew I could change my mind - even though I knew that would be a very bad idea. But now that option has pretty much been taken away - there will not be one last sweet babe. It's OK, EVERYTHING in the universe has been telling me for a while that there will be no more sweet babes. I thought I was cool with it. But there's been quite a rash of people having babies all around me, and all of a sudden I got baby fever. But my fibroid is basically the size of a newborn baby's head - it's much larger than my uterus. It could cause placental implantation problems, and of course placental abruption is what almost killed me and Paul. I could have the fibroid removed and just know that a c-section would be the only option, which isn't anything awful, but then we come back to the point that I am already functioning on the edge of my capacity and really, honestly should not have another child because I can barely keep the two I have safe, clean, dressed and fed, and with minimal emotional damage inflicted. I feel like I've come out of the fog in the last two years and I don't want to go back in there.

I wish I was different. I wish I wasn't plagued with whatever mental affliction it is that I have. I wish I wasn't so insular and stubborn and had given in years ago and gone on prozac like so many people I know. But that's the past and dwelling on it is pointless. My life is awesome, I'm healthy, I have a wonderful partner, my kids are healthy and smart and sweet (even Eli has his moments of delightfulness!), I have a roof over my head and I never, ever worry about where our next meal will come from. I keep growing and progressing as a person. Really, my life is SWEEEET.

What's also playing into this anguish is that 5+ months of job insecurity is really fraying my nerves. I just saw a 3/1 house for rent up in Trabuco Canyon on an acre with a barn, for only $100 more a month than what we're paying here. But Dan will not even consider it because of his job situation. Some friends of ours are moving and the rent on their house is cheaper than we're paying here, and it's right across the street from the school, but we can't consider it because of the job situation.

I will honestly be OK no matter what. I just want to KNOW. Dan promised that he would start sending out resumes this month, but he wants to gamble that he'll get the stock that will vest fully on the date of the sale - but we don't know when that will be. I keep telling him he has a better chance at getting another job while he still has a job, but still he's resisting. He told me this morning that he'll start next week. I think I'll nag him to start this weekend - after all, nobody will be in the offices until Monday.

I'm trying to be ready for the worst - "Expect the best, be prepared for the worst," right? I have piles and piles of stuff in the garage for a yard sale. I've been putting up craigslist ads right and left. I want stuff gone NOW. I'm saving the good stuff, just in case, but if the worst happens I'll have another sale. If Dan is laid off, I will tolerate one month of unemployment before I start preparing for us to go vagabond. I will not drain our savings to pay rent and utilities while Dan hunts for a job in a 20% unemployment market (remember, the official numbers are just the people on the unemployment rolls - the actual number is higher).

And Amos seems to have gone missing. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. He's not answering my messages. If I can't reach him soon, I'll track down his son in Mississippi. I'm hoping that Amos already went back and is just embarrassed that he didn't say goodbye or give me his things to sell like he said he would. I hope nothing bad happened.


Jessica said...

You do know that Prozac isn't the only medication option, right? Prozac has a handful of drawbacks that other meds don't (and vice versa), and the average patient tries three meds before finding one that does what needs to be done to improve quality of life. In my case, they also prolong the length of my children's lives, as I would surely have strangled one of them by now without medical intervention. $10/month life insurance, you could call it.

I feel your pain on the baby issue. We fasted for another child many times until the answer finally came (and seriously this is how it sounded in my head) "I'm really sorry, lady, but there aren't any more babies coming."

colleeeen said...

I am vaguely aware that it's not the only option; I kind of tend to lump them all together under the "prozac" label. I tried Celexa years ago and loathed it. I have flirted with getting help but have always either sabotaged it or let other life priorities get in the way. I think getting Hashimoto's thyroiditis and anemia diagnosed and treated has helped a lot - they certainly weren't helping my mental state. I know what my craziness is and can typically talk myself out of things like my persecution complex.

Stephanie said...

I love you. I'm sorry for your anguish.

Fibroids suck - and getting it out of your body will make you feel so much better. If it's anything like mine was, it was draining me of energy and health - and that can't be good for your mental state.

Surgery sucks - and while a hysterectomy is a common procedure, you'll need some downtime and you'll need a doctor who is up on hormone replacement (for at least a little while during your healing process).

I'm just so sorry that life gave you a bad uterus. If nothing else - I know the feeling.

Have I told you I love you, yet? Because I do.

Anonymous said...

I love you too, George.

Kimberly said...

I know what it is like to feel like you want more, but to realize that you might not be able to handle more and then to be grounded in the reality that more won't happen without some sort of miracle. In my case, it is made slightly easier because I don't have a lifelong mate, but it doesn't mean that the decision has any lightness to it. It sucks. I just hope for surrogate experiences to replace the gnawing desire that I have to have more babies.Or, more honestly to experience the beauty of having one with someone I deeply love... to see what more can be made of it when there are two people on the same page wanting to build something whole.

I have also been averse to taking the medication route to my crippling experiences with depression. You think that there's nothing wrong, and then when you realize that sleeping 16 hours a day may be a little off, you figure, you'll just "kick the habit" and that'll be that. Weeks can go by and bouncing between the extra sleep and lack of sleep can wear on you. My only home remedy for digging out of it has been to throw myself into work. That's not the best thing- when you have a child relying on you to be their guide and companion- but it is what it is.

I hope that you find peace with your situation. Things are bound to setting eventually- and by then you'll get to really enjoy it I hope.

Good luck. :)

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